Revenge of the Teriyaki
by DragonGolem
Summary: Akane is cooking again. See what strangeness ensues.


Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma ½.

Author's Notes: The dreaded writer's block breaker story…ooh scary stuff here. Not really scary since it's something of a comedy! I hope you all enjoy it.

Revenge of the Teriyaki

It stared at her. Sure she couldn't see its face or eyes but she knew it was staring at her. There was no other explanation. She was certain that if she turned her back for even a second it would devour her body and have her soul for an appetizer. What was this terrible menace that had brought on a fear so intense as to leave Happosai in tears?

Chicken teriyaki.

Yes, chicken teriyaki. Lovingly prepared by her demented fiancée who thought that using an alchemy text from a midget with a metal arm was a cookbook. The poor boy-turned-girl was going to die a girl. Not a man as she should be. Ranma Saotome, age seventeen, Kami-sama's whipping boy, was a condemned man…girl…whatever.

The chicken teriyaki continued to glare at her.

From prior experience she knew that a Mouko Takabisha wouldn't do it. Combining it with the Soul of Ice might slow it down unless she added the cayenne pepper and wasabi. Lately she had been adding those to prevent him from foiling her attempts to kill him. It was all clear to her now. This was a ploy to finally kill her and go off to do unspeakable things to P-chan. It must have been.

A faint hiss emanated from the bowl.

It was preparing its assault. She had no more time for hesitation. Her fiancée was standing nearby glowing in incandescent rage. Not good. Doomed if you do and doomed if you don't or something like that. The "food" was ready to slay her where she sat while Akane was ready to kill her for daring to stare cross-eyed at the bowl. With a quick snatch she had the bowl in her hand and looked as if she were about to eat it…before quickly cramming it down Akane's throat and slamming her mouth shut. Her short-haired and tempered fiancée's eyes bulged out as she stepped away from her.

Smoke was billowing from her ears.

That was the proof right there that the chicken teriyaki had been poisonous. Sure, she felt bad about poisoning the girl, but for once she decided to save herself. Akane pitched forward to the floor with a loud thud. She gave her a few kicks. Yep, she was dead all right. Served her right too. It was then that she noticed the rest of the family wasn't there. Strange actually since normally their radars would have alerted them to the pigtailed one doing something 'wrong' to Akane. She looked to the door of the kitchen.

The chicken teriyaki was standing in the doorway.

The gelatinous mess was getting quite a meal out of her Pop and Tendo-san. Poor dumb fools ran towards the problem instead of away from it. Ranma shrugged before adopting a loose fighting stance until it held up a gooey hand. She tilted her head sideways just as Ryoga, the Lost Boy extraordinaire, rounded the corner and charged in accusing her of ruining his happiness. He got close and was promptly devoured by the rogue foodstuff.

She was starting to like this dish.

It jiggled over and absorbed Akane's body into the mass. Ryoga was no longer breathing as apparently the culinary demon was too strong for it. She nodded appreciatively. The thing had style. Shampoo suddenly burst into the room with her "too-too delicious ramen" only to get incorporated into the mass as well. Apparently Akane actually got something right for once.

She was almost tempted to get some Spring of Drowned Girl Water and marry this thing.

Shortly after all this happened, Mousse leaped into the fray and straight into the mess to "Free his Darling Shampoo!" She laughed as he made a squishing noise and was devoured. That was certainly funny. So far the chicken ate a panda, a pig, a cat, and a duck not to mention a baby. It was the single funniest joke she had ever witnessed. The chicken teriyaki blob was looking for more victims.

She could find more victims.

The streets of Nerima are used to seeing odd sights. This was a red letter day for these people. Ranma was quickly becoming friends with a blob of rejected cooking. A culinary disaster gone horribly…right. As they passed Ucchan's the proprietress leaped out to glomp her "Ranchan" only to be assimilated.

Good friends were so hard to find. Good thing she wasn't one of them.

A familiar battle cry was heard of "Wattahaul!" that caused Ranma to stop in her tracks. A warm liquid cascaded over her turning her back into a man. When he looked to the blob it had apparently used Ryoga's partially digested hand to pour the water. He gave it a high-five happily. So what if that was a dead hand right? The thought was there. The Pervert of the Anything Goes Style was being chased by a horde of beautiful girls. His new friend "Teri" ate him in mid-leap.

Careful my friend that one might give you indigestion.

On our pleasant stroll we encountered one Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Appetizer of Furinkan High School. Why is he the Blue Appetizer? Did you really need to ask? For the next trick Teri downed a Kodachi in passing as well. By this point we're now attracting more than stares. A few people even applaud the public service. My globular friend still looks hungry.

Who else is there?

Stupid question. The Matriarch of the Chinese Amazons comes bouncing up to me to ask where her granddaughter is. I point to my friend who waves at her while belching out Shampoo's bonborri. I grin and tell Teri to be more polite. Cologne looks upset over this. She wants to apparently fight my new friend. Not a wise decision from a woman who is supposed to be the leader of her people. She punches away with the Amaguriken and a slurp later…she's a bite-sized snack.

Maybe China is nice this time of year…

-Somewhere down the line-

In a beautiful church a wedding is taking place. The people standing at the front stare deeply into each others eyes as they take their vows. The party on the left is Ranma Saotome, the last member of his clan. The other is a beautiful woman with strange brown, purple, and auburn hair. Her eyes are a myriad of shades. It is plain to the guests that they adore one another.

In attendance is one Pantyhose Taro who is there waiting for the Old Freak. Ranma had said he would be there and the Femboy couldn't lie to save his life. Then there is Herb of the Musk. Apparently something rather important was needed form the Amazon Matriarch and Ranma had said she would be there. He was an honorable man so he attended. Then there was the Lord of Phoenix Mountain. Apparently Ranma was willing to grant the young kami his ascension. It was a wonderful feeling to know that there were actually people in the world who did as they said they would.

The happy couple turned to look at the guests. Ranma poured the warm water over her head and let his bride have her all-you-can-eat buffet. He wasn't lying about Happosai or Cologne being there and Saffron really was going to ascend. To the afterlife.

The End…?

Author's Notes: Where it came from I have no idea but here it is. Love it or hate it since it's up to you but I absolutely loved writing it. Have pleasant dreams and chicken teriyaki! Ja ne!


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